TEAM BIDDLE

Honesty...is such a lonely word.

2011-05-11T13:49:00.000-07:00

I thought of this Billy Joel song, as I start the quest to have my RS Lesson on "Honesty" come together. In my mind it feels like puzzle pieces that through some serious prayer and promptings by the spirit will come together to form a beautiful lesson. All this is done with hope...lots of it. And some honest reflection.

Is "honesty" really a lonely word? Maybe a little. I turned to a friend for advice this morning on this topic and found her saying "stretch the lesson..." as in, are we honest with our feelings? Are we honest with our emotional temperature? Are we honest when we say things like "I was in the neighborhood." Maybe honesty is a little bit lonely, since it is overcrowded with "yes, I'm fine or no I don't need anything."

I thought of the article of faith "we believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent...etc"...so being honest is core to our beliefs. We know that in theory but when push comes to shove, are we completely honest? I know I wouldn't find myself standing on my soapbox saying "me, me...look at me!" Because that would be a lie.

But here are some things that I'll be honest about:

*Motherhood is hard. I truthfully feel guilt alot that I'm not doing good enough. It honestly drives me to be better.

*I'm worried all the time. It honestly, brings me to my knees to be able to relax.

*The Freets. He honestly needs a sibling. He honestly, might not have one.

*Andy. He honestly drives me nuts sometimes. He's hard to get to know and socially alot like the guy on The Social Network. He honestly, would do anything for anyone.

*Treats. I honestly have a huge sugar addiction. I truly have to workout to keep my weight where it is.

*Life. I honestly worry about the future. The Lord reminds me to remember his truths are real.

So maybe Billy had it wrong, honesty isn't such a lonely word. Cause there is a lot to say on the subject.

Let the games begin

2011-01-04T13:20:00.000-08:00

To Do:

*Paint deck

*Fix fence

*Service to someone daily. Report in nightly

*Kayak at least 3x's this summer

*One dinner or activity with another couple monthly

*Date nights (be more consistent)

*BOM after dinner

*Travel:

-Vegas
-Utah
-Rental house in Cali-Summer
-NYC (SIBS?)
-Disneyland in March/April
-Rent house in Chelan in Summer

And two new couches if I can sneak it in.

And of course, Booyah.

Getting Real....

2010-12-19T19:16:00.000-08:00

Since the end of 2010 is coming to a close, I too will end this year with some thoughts. I have lots of thoughts when it comes to this year. It was a year of some REAL things. And a lot of things I will be letting go of.

*I will let go of trying to have the perfect body, instead work on a healthy one.

*I will let go of being critical and look into others hearts.

*I will let go of worrying every month that I am not pregnant and enjoy my little family for where we are NOW.

*I will let go of speaking poorly about others, or at least try harder not to.

*I will let go of doing things halfway.

*I will let go of my fear of failure.

*I will let go of my self from 15 years ago, and love who I am now.

*I will let go of comparisons and joy in others accomplishments.

*I will let go of wishing I was different.

*I will let go of worrying and put more faith in the Savior.

*I will let go of wishing and do more making.

*I will let go of living on the surface and be REAL.

*I will let go of standing still when I can dance.

*I will let go of wasted time.

*I will start 2011 with FIREWORKS!

The stuff

2010-12-11T19:54:00.001-08:00

Andy and I are in the process of re-doing the master bedroom. This is all that is currently done:

*the paint (ceiling touch ups pending)

*this shelf

Lots more to do. But let's face it, this is the stuff in the house that really matters. US.

Toofy.

2010-12-08T07:25:00.000-08:00

Could you resist this smile from the Freet-a-leets?

Light

2010-12-05T20:24:00.001-08:00

Five years ago I found myself in a strange place. The light in my soul was dim as the years of infertility had been long and dark. I was teaching seminary and working. And every passing day just meant another day I was not pregnant. Another day I was getting older and another day to take shots, drugs or do whatever thing to my body the latest fertility doctor had prescribed.

Seminary kept me sane, or at least focused. We were studying the Book of Mormon that year and the teenagers while crazy with their falling asleep and strange requests for me to let them sleep, helped me to keep the spirit with me as much as possible.

This was the same year that President Hinckley asked us as a church to read the Book of Mormon. I obeyed. And dangit I selfishly wanted blessings...a particular blessing...a baby. So as I closed the BOM on December 31st, 2005, I expected a miracle. I think I almost demanded one.

About 7 weeks later, I was at seminary in my jean skirt and sweater doing my thang...when a quiet voice said "go home and take a pregnancy test." I had taken one about 3 days prior, and for anyone who has suffered from infertility, you know if you even have a sore throat you get your hopes up and take a pregnancy test. I got in the car and headed home pushing aside my whispering since I had a negative and I didn't think it could have changed in 3 days. When I got home "take a pregnancy test"...whispered in my soul one more time. I knew the minute I took the test that a + sign would be there. I was finally pregnant.

I immediately started all kinds of drugs, shots to keep the pregnancy. We were in full alert as we had lost babies before...and by darn I would take anything to keep this one progressing. If they had told me to eat 20 bananas to keep the baby, I'd have done it! We were like firefighters at any pain, weird spasm and of course any spotting that started. Ready for action and to squelch any sign of possible exit the embryo might have with drugs.

On Sunday night about 9 weeks in, things were not looking good. Too much spotting, too much pain. I called my OB and told him the details of what was going on. He said to come in early Monday morning, but that I had miscarried. I think Andy and I quietly retreated to separate corners that night to figure out what to do with our feelings. An overwhelming feeling of despair took us over.

We sat waiting for our names to be called at the office early the next morning. "I'm so sorry" was heard from nurses and Doctor alike. He did feel the need to do an ultrasound just to make sure and see if anything was left to do a D&C.

Andy stood behind my head, sad and crying. As the doctor moved the wand around, there was nothing.

And then a whisper..."the baby is still there" took over my mind like a warm assurance of peace. I didn't speak. Still nothing was showing on the ultrasound. Then...the nurse said "wait...what is that?"

That was the tiniest and brightest light I'll ever see.

Mustard

2010-11-29T13:10:00.000-08:00

This is a photo of my Mom's beater. On Thanksgiving when she pulled it out of the cupboard I rolled my eyes and said "you still have that thing?!" Yes, I think she's had it for over 25 years. And yes, I think she was a little disgusted with me...since it still works and let's face it folks, ya can't get that color anymore.

I had a minute where I started thinking about those crazy beaters and my Mom. I looked around her kitchen. There are a few appliances she's had since we moved into that house when I was 10, which I know...makes me like 26. A lot of things have not changed in my Mom's world. Same appliances, same couch we've had since we were little. Her face and hands have changed a little but she is still wonderful and unique.

I was lucky enough to have a Mom that stayed home. She was there for afternoon snacks, and always loved a good sit down spiritual discussion when she was teaching seminary all those years. She still does. She wasn't the best cook or the fanciest dresser but she was a good Mother.

I have distinct memories of her kneeling next to the toilet when I was deathly ill and praying that I would stop vomiting. She rubbed my back for hours on end when I was diagnosed with Crohn's. She called at the exact moment I would need her to when I was away at school. She immediately called my Dad at work to come home and give me a blessing when the love of my life at the time told me he was marrying someone else. She wrote me every week on my mission. She has cried with me and been at my bedside when I have lost pregnancies. She supported me when I married a non-member. She loves him more than she loves me sometimes! She has come right over when I feel overwhelmed with life and taken Noah for a few hours. And many other memories that I will never forget, and carry them with me throughout life.

When I saw her this morning for a minute she was dressed in a flannel shirt and her hair was disshoveled...but she gave me a little sack of snacks as I left and kept offering me more as I was walking out to the car. That's who she is.

So she is a lot like the mustard beaters. You'll never find one like her.

Little Pig

2010-11-16T13:19:00.000-08:00

So as Mondays go...yesterday was a doozy. Andy's car was on the fritz (or at least the steering wheel was), so we packed in the leaky Land Rover to take Andy to Redmond. At 6:00 the last thing I want to do is drive what feels like across the country, but it needed to be done.

As we sucked down our hot cocoas and treats we noticed a little pup running across the road, on the verge of being hit. We put on the brakes and Andy got out to rescue. We looked around for her puppy parents, and saw no one. After pulling over and paper toweling the poor dog we looked at each other and wondered what we should do. To distract Noah from the crazy movement that was going on, we had him name the dog. Her name was now, Pig.

By this point, Noah is screaming to keep the dog away from him (ironic since Cabo is about 100 times the size of this poor little thing!). And as you can guess I still had to take Andy to work. Lucky boy, got dropped off and here I was with a screaming child and a small wet dog who was running amuck between the front and back seat. Naturally all I could think of was how good a diet coke was gonna taste after this chaos.

I brought little Pig home, put her in Cabo's crate...put Cabo outside and hauled A*!*! to the shower, since I had to be somewhere in 10 minutes. And let's face it saying "hi nice to meet you, excuse the wet dog smell" didn't seem like a good first impression.

Fast forward an hour. Took little Pig to the vet, where it will be known she is a runaway and will be taken to a shelter to be put up for adoption in a few days.

Fast forward to today. I miss little Pig. So does Noah. "I miss that little dog Mama." How did that happen? I hated dogs. Now I'm with one for 2 hours and I can't stop thinking about her. I've gone mad I tell ya.

My point being is that of attachment. Isn't it funny how quickly you get attached to things. How you can't let go of things as easily as you used to?

My current attachment issues:

*Noah graduating from his preschool. I'm attached to the school, teachers, resources and my Mom buddies.

*Attached to Noah's toddlerhood. Its going by too fast.

*Attached to my age. I'm running out of baby time.

*Attached to my iPhone. I tried a Droid. Yick.

*Attached to my parents. I hate that my Dad had any kind of surgery yesterday,

*Attached to one very wobbly black Lab.

*Attached to one Mr. B-the kind of guy who would pick up a stray.

I miss little Pig.

Green and White

2010-10-26T21:01:00.000-07:00

You are sound asleep and snuggly. You have green and white blankie. They are your best friends. I will be sad for the day when you won't need them anymore. In the meantime, hold them close.

I thought of you tonight when I ran. I started running when I was going to turn 40 to prove to myself that I could run a mile. I grew to love it. Then as time when by, I hated it for a few different reasons. Now I like it again. I want you to be proud of me. To know that you can do anything, even if its something new...something hard. Hard things are worth it.

Gaining your own testimony will be worth it. Learn to love the Savior. Love him as much as I do. I'm not perfect and don't know what I'm doing most of the time. But I love Him. He loves you and knows every little hair on your head, on Daddys and mine. Like your blankies he will offer you comfort day and night.

I love you as high as the sky and as deep as the ocean.

Too analytical for my own good.

2010-10-03T18:04:00.001-07:00

So whether I'm thinking about what to wear tomorrow (yes, this even includes sweats)...my mind is constantly analyzing, or reviewing something. Its gets old. I want to shut my brain down and tell it to chill, and just enjoy the ride. I talk a big game about "enjoying the ride" but when it gets down to it...I'm kind of a big stress bucket.

Why am I blogging about this you ask? Well here's why.

I've always had what I would like to call low self-esteem. Always second guessing myself, comparing myself to others, yada yada. We don't need to get into the torrid details, but let's just call it what it is. Its NO ONES fault, so Mom if you are reading this, don't worry...you don't need to get your guilty Mom cloak on.

So the other day I was thinking about my low self-esteem as I read someones family blog of perfection. This didn't help my mood, but got me to thinking.

I started thinking about pioneer women. No internet, no phones, no texting, no mail really. As they trudged across the plains and dealt with the heartache and journey that was in front on them...do you think they had low self-esteem? Did they compare their bread making skills with someone else, or the way their family was choosing to not read the scriptures that night, or were they secure in who they were and didn't care what anyone thought? From an LDS perspective, were they so secure in the faithful testimonies they had that self-worth/self-esteem was trivial if thought about at all?

My point in this rant, is just a wonder if technology (while a great thing) has eaten away at some of our self-esteem? Do you worry that someone is mad if you don't get a text back from them? Does it bother you if you don't get an email from someone? Or if you read a blog that has images from a family that portrays them as perfect, does it bother you? There just seems to be alot of mediums that you can get rejected from....or at least feel rejection.

Ok, maybe its just me.

The Real Housewife of Kenmore

2010-09-26T13:54:00.000-07:00

This is me (don't ya love the humidity bangs?!). I served a mission in New York. I think about my mission at least once a day. Let me tell you why.

I got my patriarchal blessing when I was 16. As I sat quietly while hands were put on my head, there were parts of the blessing that I just knew before they were said outloud. I distinctly remember thinking "please don't say I'll go on a mission, please don't say I'll go on a mission." And the next few sentences said exactly that...with a little more detail. Argh. The kiss of death, a mission.

Time went on. I fell in love, I graduated from BYU, I grew up. Or so I thought. The MTC became a constant source of frustration for me, as I maneuvered my car in every possible way in order to avoid passing the source of the Holy Ghost screaming in my ear. Luckily, my wise sister told me one day on the phone "one day the Holy Ghost will stop prompting you to go on a mission." That was it for me. I prepared to go. I was 25.

To cut this blog post short and to spare you some personal details to the story...I went. I went to the New York New York South Mission. It was the time of my life...denim jumpers and all.

I have one very distinct memory of a Family Home Evening in Queens. As we sat teaching a small family about Christ in the projects of New York...I thought "I never want to leave, this is my home." It still is.

And while I can't speak Spanish very well anymore, I haven't forgotten a face from those crowded streets and mouse ridden apartments. I haven't forgotten crying from laughing so hard, and crying from feeling the spirit so much. I haven't forgotten the feeling of the spirit being so strong as it testifies to someone that the Book of Mormon is true and that Joseph Smith was a prophet of God. I haven't forgotten the feeling of seeing someone dressed in white ready for baptism, or knowing that the Lord gave me the privilege of finding this person.

I miss my mission. I miss the people and their snarky attitudes and loving hearts. I miss the glimmer of remembrance in someones eyes as they nod their head in agreement that the Father and Son appeared to Joseph Smith.

I loved who I was there. The REAL me. Define that how you will.

The REAL me now is a housewife, a Mom, a spouse, a visiting teacher, a friend and still a missionary. But I still miss that girl in the jumper and tights walking the streets of NYC. She's still here.

The Question

2010-08-26T23:03:00.001-07:00

Either Andy or I have layed down with Noah as he drifts off to sleep for almost 4 years now. Tonight he told me to move to the floor, but sweetly offered me a pillow and his other blankie. I layed there in the silence for a few minutes, and then decided I needed to snuggle him. I crawled up in the dark, and found his hands. He held them for a moment and then rolled over and let them go. I waited a few more minutes until I knew he was asleep before exiting. Quietly I heard "still there?" "Yes." He nodded off into his dreamland of dragons eating ice cream and playing on the computer (this was a made up story he told me earlier).

To lose 2 babies in 6 months has been hard for me. I can count the number of times I have cried about it, because in the back of my mind I have not wanted those pregnancies to be "REAL." So keeping a smile on my face as much as possible has felt like the right way for me to pretend and carry on.

I have felt alone in my connection with Heavenly Father. My prayers have not faltered or my scripture study and yet I have felt silence between me and the heavens. Until tonight.

Noah's simple question "still there?" led me to search for a simple spark of the spirit, if you will. I found it as I watched a simple video about the Book of Mormon. Tears have fallen, a spark rekindled, the heavens...near. Through Noah's simple questioning.

And yes, HE is still there.

Last Day

2010-08-22T21:54:00.001-07:00

Last Day=20 minutes ago or last year (Noah language)

This summer=heartache, moodiness, joy, friendship, support and strength

This month=birthday fun, Seahawks, swimming at Aqua Club, Utah, Temple, sealing, laughter

This week=swimming lessons, gobbles, iPad games, being read "Go Spud Go!", Talouse Petit, best cupcakes I've ever had, little crazy

This day=no sleep, sick boy, insight, forgiveness, Golden Rule, sleep, goal setting

This minute=thoughts about another baby

Tomorrow=living.

Gray

2010-08-09T20:21:00.000-07:00

Our summer has had some shades of gray in it. I couldn't have survived it without this handsome face.

In his palms.

2010-06-16T17:55:00.000-07:00

In these little palms rest the head of a miracle. An undeniable miracle.

We call him Freeto. He is now 3 1/2.

He loves swimming...and getting busted by the lifeguard for doing "spinny jumps" off the side of the pool.

He still sleeps with his green blankie.

He's stubborn and self-assured.

He hates it when I sing.

He loves to garden with his Grandma and plant his "matoes".

He can navigate his way through an iPhone like an adult. Oye.

He thanked his Heavenly Father last night for helping him find his .25 toy out of the gumball machine. I thanked Heavenly Father that he did.

I'm so glad I put my palms out and surrendered to Heavenly Fathers will, some 4 years ago. And now I will put my palms out again as he navigates our family through one more miracle.

Little Piano Man

2010-05-26T09:02:00.000-07:00

       Playing Piano


         Tiny hands at the piano
          press firmly on the keys,
          searching among the slivered sounds
          for a simple melody.
          Music envelopes him.
          Golden threads on an antique web
           wink as they hide in the corners
           of a small, nodding head.
           How true he learns his music.
           It soars along forever
           in the fever of a tone
           made by him alone.


-Shana Ellis (Noah's Grandma)-
                                 
                  May 23,2010

Gobbles

2010-05-17T11:14:00.000-07:00

I had this thought at church yesterday that I wanted to write a few letters to little "Freeto"...so here goes.

Dear 3 year old,

Don't grow up so fast. Keep your short little legs reaching for the ground, but don't let them touch quite yet. I'm not ready for it. I need time to stand still, so you and I can hold hands forever.

I love our secret handshake. 3 squeezes (I Love You) and a kiss on the hand.

Your "gobbles" are green, your favorite color. Have a favorite color. Know yourself.

Drink brown drinks (slurpees) and let the ice run down your face. It'll wipe off.

If you turn the "O" upside down in the word LOVE, its still an O. And I will love you upside down and backward.

Love,

Mom

In my dreams.

2010-04-28T10:17:00.001-07:00

I had a dream last night.

There were two children in it. Noah and another child. I couldn't describe the other child.

But Noah was clear.

I loved them both.

BUT I knew I couldn't live without Noah.

The details are fuzzy. But the feeling was strong towards Noah.

Indescribable. I chose him.

I wonder what it means.

Human Touch

2010-04-25T17:48:00.000-07:00

Noah and I went to the park this afternoon to release some energy, and commune with nature.

We met a man, and his daughter. They were from France. Noah immediately attached to this lively pair. He followed the daughter everywhere she went on the playground. I naturally followed them around like a Mother bear and tracked their every move. I didn't know them, they didn't know me.

The daughter started playing a very aerobic game of tag with her Father. The Father included Noah. At first I was a little alarmed. He was touching my son...chasing my son. Nothing inappropriate, but a strangers touch nonetheless. I felt a little nervous...as thoughts of children being harmed by strangers flashed through my mind.

And then I heard the laughter. Sweet, innocent laughter. Joyful laughter, with red-faced children who were in heaven to give each other a touch on the arm and scream "you are it!" And a Father who was more than happy to be chased in circles by his daughter and a stranger.

And while I will always take extreme precautions when it comes to anyone touching my son, I was grateful today for human touch. And for a stranger.

p.s. we went to the Vancouver Open House yesterday. Beautiful. Tonight Noah said out of nowhere "I saw Jesus yesterday. He gave me a hug, and told me I was a good boy."

I'm grateful most of all for HIS touch.

The List

2010-04-21T11:47:00.000-07:00

I didn't get married in the temple. It breaks my heart...still.

Would I marry Andy again? Yes. A wholehearted yes.

Would I get married outside the temple? No.

Surprisingly these two contradictory statements exist in my world.

I, like you was raised to get married in the temple. I dreamed from childhood of getting married in the Salt Lake Temple. I still dream of this. I still hope for this, just like I did as a child. I even recall cross stitching it in Young Womens and hanging it on my wall. It was at the top of my "list" that stated what I wanted in a husband. Temple marriage along with: eagle scout, wears carmex on lips, outdoorsy, tan lines on his feet. Feel free to ask me about the "list" sometime. Its hilarious. Anyway, there was a list...a dream, big hopes. But as you know, life turns out differently. For everyone.

I love Andy. He loves me. We are a happy family....funny how that primary song just fit in nicely right there.

We are a forever family.

We will go to the temple someday.

Maybe its time to "rewrite" the LIST.

p.s. I'm starting a new blog along with this one in a few days. Check it out: www.intheknowhead2toe.blogspot.com

R.I.P. Pinkie

2010-04-11T15:09:00.001-07:00

I love shower caps. Yes, old school...cafeteria lady, the kind your mother used to wear to bed with rollers, shower caps. I can't live without them.

If we are ever at a hotel together and you can't find the "free" shower cap, you can look in my purse, because I've already taken it.

Today, I lost Pinkie. Couldn't find her anywhere. Somewhere between the shower and me styling my dry locks (thanks to Pinkie) she disappeared. She was my favorite shower cap. If I could carve "Me+Pinkie=Forever" in a tree, I would. She made my day easier, my thick hair...dry for one more day. I could wake up, open my hair supplies drawer (which is technically two drawers...I loves me some product) and there she'd sit...waiting for me. Her elastic was tight and she wouldn't let a hair loose. She was a committed, 100% to her one job in life...keeping my dry locks wrapped up. I miss Pinkie.

Now while you are thinking "if she's taking the ones from hotels, she must have a lot more?" You would be correct. However, pinkie was special. The ones from hotels are a bit shoddy in the elastic area, and my hair tends to fall out. They are my "back up Pinkies." NOT the samepeople.

So while I mourn the loss of Pinkie...I have to laugh at myself at my weird quirks.

1. Lover of shower caps.

You heard it here first.

Gems

2010-03-30T09:14:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Kathie used to always refer to me as a "gem." I always loved it when she would call me that because it made me feel unique, refined and loved. I have tried to call my friends "gems" so that they too can feel the way I did.

I have not felt like a gem the past few weeks. I have felt lost, insecure and confused. My brain has been working overtime. Do I have any hobbies? Am I really good at anything? Shopping doesn't count as a hobby, my potty training skills sucketh, and matching your tights to your shirt doesn't make you "fashionable."

So I have spent some time trying to figure out what's wrong. Is it good to feel like you just aren't good enough? Or does this push you forward to try and be better or discover new things about yourself, and forgive yourself if you aren't good at everything?

I am holding tight to my gems right now...prayer, forgiveness, his Hand, Andy's hugs and Noah's curly red hair.

Spring Fun

2010-03-25T07:28:00.001-07:00

Today

2010-03-15T22:11:00.000-07:00

Today I'm just plain sad. My friend died. I loved her. What a blessing she has been to me.

I learned about:

Motherhood

Friendship

Loving the scriptures

God being big

Service

Hope

Faith

from her. I miss her.

My heart is so heavy.

But I am so glad her lungs can now breathe easy. No more oxygen tank. No more doctors.

I just wish she was here so I could hold her hand again. Say prayers with her again.

Let me serve her one more time.

She was my sage. She reminded of hope when I felt I had none.

I love you my sweet Janine.

Preschool

2010-03-05T07:23:00.000-08:00

I'll let her hold his hand for a few hours.

First locker.

Backpack as big as he is!

And he's OFF!

A day

2010-02-25T08:11:00.001-08:00

The dog is looking at me longingly "please make him quit hitting me with a sword."

I would kill for something dark and fizzy.

I've already had 2 cookies this morning, and haven't run in a week.

Noah has thrown 3 tantrums this morning and its only 8:14.

And he just proclaimed he has a sister.

I sure hope he does. Its a day.

How's yours looking?

Me and the Rock

2010-02-17T09:15:00.000-08:00

...me and my little Rock are headed here today....

Clarity...

2010-02-07T11:02:00.000-08:00

She shook her head "no" when they asked if she was angry.

She has a house made of sticks, no tarp and 6 little ones running around her.

Her tarp from the Red Cross had not been given to her yet.

She was not angry about her present circumstances.

But, grateful for her small piece of ground and new make shift home.

A chance to re-build her life amongst the rubble.

I lost a baby this week.

I was angry.

This interview from Haiti and this woman of strength changed my heart.

I am not angry anymore, but grateful...and hopeful.

Something in the works....

2010-02-01T13:06:00.001-08:00

Pardon my French...

2010-01-27T12:09:00.000-08:00

Its time.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

Wish me luck.

The party begins on Monday.

Any takers to do IT for me?

Thought of the day...

2010-01-26T08:44:00.000-08:00

-Give a cupcake

kEep a Friend-

(Tatum)

A and B

2010-01-19T15:54:00.001-08:00

So I'm just gonna post this story...and let it lay to rest.

Some years ago...I met a boy, and fell in love. We'll just call him "BOY A". BOY A and I talked about getting married and of the future. The nagging feeling for me to serve a mission crawled at me, surrounded me and overcame me until I knew I must go. BOY A had not gone on a mission. So I packed my suitcase and went. BOY A decided to go as well. We were in the MTC together.

Our love blossomed as letters from afar were written. Tokens of love sent on special holidays, birthdays and the days drew closer for us to come home and once again pick up where we left off.

Enter BOY B. BOY B was a missionary in my mission. He and I had feelings for each other that were discussed after I was home. He knew the new and improved spiritual me. The me that BOY A had not been able to witness for a year and a half. He was charming and kind and when he got home...well you get where this is going. I was in love with both A and B.

BOY A tried to break up with me before he came home and told me he didn't think our relationship would work out. But I didn't give up and when he came home, I was in love again as much as I was before. However, now there were 3 of us in this love triangle. And so the real story begins.

I'll sum up:

*I had BOY A take me to the airport to see BOY B

*I had BOY A pick me up from the airport after seeing BOY B

*I dated them both at the same time

*I kissed them both at the same time

*I loved them both

This is not a good recipe for self-esteem, making proper choices and seeing the effects of bad behavior.

I didn't marry BOY A or BOY B. BOY A was hurt, sad and done. He still would probably like to see me publically humilated. BOY B got married, and I have had the chance since to apologize for my shameful behavior.

I can blame youth. But I was 28. I can blame both of them for not stepping up and asking me to marry them, but who would have wanted to? I was serving "two masters" and I made some bad choices.

There is much more to the story....but let's let it lay in the past. Everything turned out for the best. And when all is said and done if you've loved someone you really do want them to be happy. And I wouldn't be half of who I am today if A and B didn't come into my life.

I got...

2010-01-10T19:33:00.000-08:00

*this is similar to my SIB Amy's post for today...so I hope she doesn't mind the similarities!

I hoped to get pregnant this past year...I have learned to have more joy in mothering an only child.

I hoped to go somewhere tropical with my husband...I have some new friends in my life, and spent time with some old ones. I have this year for tropical.

I hoped to figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up...I have some new experiences that will stretch me.

I hoped to do better in my race this past July...I have the two best supporters a runner could ask for.

I hoped to perform my calling like a rock star...I have some challenges that will humble me.

I hoped that Noah would be potty trained by now...I have to listen to him tell me "he's not ready."

I hoped Andy would get baptized...I have to remember he is Heavenly Fathers son, no matter when he joins.

I hoped I would always be a good friend...I have to remember to be better.

I hoped my love of sugar would subside this year...I have to not put the treats up to my mouth.

I hoped to reconnect with a lot of old friends...I have Facebook.

I hoped Cabo would be a more well-behaved dog by now...I have a dog that loves me unconditionally.

I hoped and still hope for lots of things. But I think what I GOT is more important.

Drop a few...

2010-01-03T21:03:00.000-08:00

Wasn't 2010 some far off time in the future where we would be using flying cars to get around, and life would be somewhat like the Jetsons?

Alas, I have a car with a roof that leaks, doesn't fly (unless you count the speed at which I take the corner coming up our street) and life looks nothing like the Jetsons. Except maybe my hair a little...

So I enter 2010 with a head full of resolutions, and not the energy to write them down yet. I need to narrow them down a bit.

"Drop a few" could relate to weight in pounds or "drop a few less" swear words...or, mmm...the possibilities are endless.

I could drop a few less critical comments to my husband, or name dropping when I'm forced to spill my guts in a Park and Ride. Or drop a few diet cokes instead of drinking them like an addict that can't act normal without her fix. And pick up some water.

Or how about dropping a few more times to my knees. And dropping a few more times by the temple.

I could drop a few more toys instead of putting them away, and play with a beautiful brown eyed boy who wants my time a few more minutes instead of putting the toys away.

I could drop a few more appointments and call a friend in need.

I could drop a few less t.v. shows and pick up a good book.

I could drop a few moments of wishing I was more like so and so, and love who I am, and will become.

Resolutions written.

Some things in life are "Free"...

2009-12-11T15:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Free,

Hi sweet boy. I wanted to write you a letter from your family to tell you that we love you. Especially your big brother Noah. He talks about you all the time and tells his friends that his little brother is in California right now, and that his name is Free. He misses you. I hope you can come visit us sometime. Noah would love to play with you, and show you all the things that big brothers love to show little brothers.

Here are some of the priceless things you should know about your brother:

*he's got the best toothy smile you'll ever see

*he has great manners

*he loves to say his prayers

*he thinks he's a skateboarder and wears knee pads around the house

*he loves a good nap

*he's VERY tall

*he loves his Grandma and Grandpas

Please come see us soon Free. We'll be waiting.

Love,
Mom and your big brother Noah

FYI-"Free" is Noah's imaginary friend

Redheads!!!!

2009-12-04T14:17:00.000-08:00

Angles

2009-09-20T08:20:00.000-07:00

So this will not be my usual post with cute pictures of Noah naked, or me making a kissy face...it will be a hodge podge of thoughts and feelings. Although come on, that diaper picture was hilarious. I digress.

Our driveway sits at a funny angle. Its impossible to get out of the driveway if it snows and Noah's scooter tends to go to the left when he rides down it. And I've been known to hit our garbage cans more than once. So the angle drives me nuts.

But the angle that happens when my 3 year old rests his head of apricot hair on my shoulder is the best angle. Its an angle I can get on board with anytime of day 24/7, messy chocolate face and all.

Life has lots of angles when you think about it. As the old phrase goes when you have a problem "try looking at things from a different angle." I've been trying to do that lately. Sometimes I get wallowed down in the reality that the angles have not aligned properly. A beautiful mess of irregularity is just what we need every now and then.

I have a life full of irregularities. One child, a love of all things cake, a listening ear that had the bishop asking me if I needed therapy to help out his ward members who have spilled their guts to me, and some Young Women who keep me up nightly wondering how I can make sure they know that the Lord loves them. And I'm totally on Team Jacob. So my angles are a little off, a little to the left, wouldn't you say? Or are they just perfect...for me?

Whatever angles come my way, I'd like to think I can handle or appreciate them for the joy they add to my life. And if I keep hitting the garbage can, so what.

p.s. just had to put a picture of up his cute face...I couldn't resist this camera angle.

A Couple of Hunks

2009-09-10T08:33:00.000-07:00

My feet started itching right after the last guest left. I looked over the stash of presents that had been given to me by friends and family, and the excitement for our new baby grew. Presents sometimes make things feel more real, don't they? I figured my feet itching was just a side effect of being 7 1/2 months pregnant, walking around in barefeet and the heat of the summer.

I had taken the velvet ropes down to show all the guests the baby room, and the "oohs and aahhs" were gently filling up those wounds of long ago...wanting a baby. My itchy feet and I put the finishing touches on the room with our new gifts and I slumbered peacefully that night. Finally, a baby shower for me.

I mentioned to the doctor the next day that my feet and hands were itching pretty bad and maybe I had something called PUPPS that I had heard about. I offered him advice of giving me some kind of cream, salve, anything because the itching was getting worse. He said I didn't have PUPPS, but that there was a liver problem that can happen in pregnancy called cholestasis. He hadn't seen a case for 25 years since medical school. Oye. So they took my blood and sent me on my merry way.

I got a call within a couple of hours asking Andy and I both to return to the office. That's never good is it? I did have cholestasis and it can be dangerous. The baby starts to show signs of distress usually and there is a higher chance of stillborn. Was he freaking kidding? We went home in a little bit of shock.

We took the drugs he suggested, and nothing. The itching got worse. And worse, and worse. Blessing after blessing was given. The itching was worsening, and sleep was a thing of the past as the itching would not allow for one minute for my eyes to close. I spent nights in a cold tub, itching myself to the point of bleeding. Crying to the point of mania. I was exhausted and still we were a good while from the due date.

We went into the doctors office almost everyday to check on the baby, and to see if he could save me from this state of crazy I was now in. Everything on my body itched...everything. Nails, eyelashes, knuckles, mouth. Andy pleaded for something, something to make it go away. The only light was getting the baby out. And with him coming out the liver would return to normal. But it was too early.

I trusted my doctor, he was the best. An old LDS friend of the family. He knew his stuff, and I had faith he and Heavenly Father were having a secret pow wow as to how long to keep my itchy self in its sleepless state. Three amnios were done, day after day to see if the lungs were developed. We knew it was a long shot, since it was over 6 weeks to the due date.

On the night before the next amnio (Labor Day 2006)...I went to a place I've never been. Madness. Itching, horrible. Husband, desperate. No sleep in almost 2 weeks. I cried hysterically as Andy tried to calm me down and offer solace by reading out of the baby name book. Just in case we should name him something other than the planned, Alexander. He read over the "N's" and said "Noah." We both paused. The crying stopped briefly. I loved it, and he loved it.

The next day as we waited for the news if the lungs were developed...prayers were given, and when the phone rang, I cried. "Be here in a couple of hours, he's coming out." We were warned that he would need to be in the hospital since he was 5 1/2 weeks early, and so we prepared for the long haul.

The c-section was what it was. Noah had turned himself completely around that day and he was strangled in the cord. He NEEDED to come out that day. He HAD to come out that day. He was 7 + lbs. No mere preemie. He was a hunk. And I'm lucky enough 3 years later to know I have two hunks. Two great hunks that I love. And when I look back, the itching wasn't so bad.

8

2009-05-19T11:30:00.000-07:00

So these two goofs have been married 8 years today. Can't imagine those 8 years with anyone else. Go Team Biddle!

In the meantime...

2009-04-29T14:21:00.001-07:00

I am not pregnant. I am really depressed about it. This was essentially the end of the road for us. No more pills, no more shots, no more doctors. My body can't take anymore.

As I was filling yet another tub of clothing that Noah has outgrown, I was sad, really sad. These tubs have been in reserve for the next baby. "Just in case" tubs. And although I am sad, I am sad for Noah. He loves other children. He gets excited when we drive past the neighbors in the hopes that Sam and Luke will be outside. He grabbed Jillian's hand at church on Sunday as to say "let's go buddy..." It breaks my heart to pieces.

I don't understand why this has been our trial. I don't understand why it worked once, and then not again.

So I might burn the pills, melt the shots and shred my 500 page stack of doctors files. Or I might put them in one of the tubs for safekeeping. In the meantime...I still believe in miracles.

Abilities and Pellet Ice

2009-04-14T15:02:00.000-07:00

Its been a long time since I've blogged...I think Facebook has addicted me for the time being. However, I want to try to journal what has been going on in our lives other than a few quick updates for the masses.

Life in the Biddle house is good. We are still trying to get pregnant one more time, but it just hasn't happened for us. After this month we have to make some tough decisions, since I just can't be on the drugs anymore. They not only make me crazy, but I have a ferocious appetite and well...did I mention CRAZY?! Even I know they are making me a little nutso. But all for the good of a pregnancy, so I can handle 3 more weeks.

We took a trip down to Cali for a family reunion on Andy's side of the family and to see his Aunt Pat. It was a lot of fun to see everyone, spend time together as a family, and especially to see our friends the Devericks. I didn't want to leave! They live in the most beautiful place, and I missed just talking to them and laughing together as friends. I told Andy I was going back soon! Soon soon!

My mind has been full of thoughts as I wrap up this round of baby trying drugs. I had a realization about a week ago that this was it...the end of my ability to have a baby on this earth. Now while that might sound dramatic, I never thought that age or circumstance would inhibit me from having a child. But in our case it really does, on both counts. I cried a little when I thought about the way I feel inside...that of a teenager...and that hope and dream to have a few children. To see your future as endless. The reality is that women have an expiration date. Some are never able to have children. Some, one. Its a very strange emotion....makes me sad. And I don't need to type about the miracle that is Noah. I know. I know everytime I look at those big browns and crazy red hair.

So while I try not to wallow in my disappointment or hopefully joy in another miracle...life is good. Really good. I have a great life. And our local Shell station now has pellet ice. Is there anything better?

New Moon

2009-03-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

So I got up at the crack of dawn this morning (Noah standard wake up time) to see the most beautiful new moon outside my kitchen window. It was huge and orange and a wash of joy came over me. Simple beauty.

As is this cute face.

Upgrades

2009-02-11T08:14:00.000-08:00

Every now and then I look around our house a little disheartened. The paint has chipped a lot from wear and tear. It wouldn't be an easy fix, it needs to be re-done. The dog has scratched the paint off the window sill. The master bedroom bath needs to be updated as does the kitchen. We can't stand our kitchen. Its older, isn't a good use of space and you bang your head if you are trying to talk to someone in the great room. Our old house was all brand new...beautiful and dreamy.

But we know where our money has gone. It went to getting HIM. The Freets. And for the second I feel disappointed that the house doesn't look the way I think it should...I think of HIM.

I think about this being his first home. I love that we can see the fireworks off Lake Washington from our front lawn. He plays in his little wading pool off the back deck in the summer. And that Cabo now sleeps outside his bedroom next to the scratched up walls. The house is beautiful because of HIM. Its our home, and all the upgrades can wait. It was worth the money.

Featherless

2009-01-26T18:27:00.000-08:00

Our FHE lesson tonight was on President Hollands talk from last conference. It was about angels.

It got me to thinking tonight about how many earthly angels I have. I feel like I have been blessed with a lot of them. Some of them come in small packages...a 2 year old who folds his arms for prayers. Or an adult package, in the form of a husband who says "go take a nap, you need to relax for a little while." Those are my angels.

My dear, kind, lovely friends. I feel showered with love, empathy, understanding and laughter all the time...anytime, day or night. They are also my angels.

So thank you all my featherless friends. You are all angels indeed.

Egg Waiting Room

2009-01-16T08:40:00.001-08:00

I told Cali SIB yesterday, nothing is more heartwarming than hearing your doctor say "your window is slowly closing." Translation: your eggs are getting old, so are you and you are running out of time.

I picture the little eggs...some of them dusty, some of them are using canes for support, some are too dried out and broken, some are my young Hawaii eggs that are just waiting to catch the next wave out (too inappropriate...you get it). Of course those young eggs are my favorite. They are the ones in great shape, smooth shells (maybe a little egg botox is going on?) and ready for action. They are eager to jump out the sliver of window available...for their chance to meet up with their partner in crime.

But, in the meantime they are waiting. I am waiting. I gotta tell you, it sucks. I know the ache I felt when I couldn't get pregnant, and somedays this ache of not getting pregnant again brings it all back 100 times over. And what breaks my heart the most, is the look on Andy's face. As energy-draining and time consuming as Noah is, he wants as much as I do for Freeto to have a little brother/sister to protect, poke with sticks and drive me crazy with.

So I think of those eggs that are barely hanging on...waiting their turn. And even if they never make their way to the BIG SHOW...I hope the windows stays open just a little bit longer for them. I'll make them a nice home if they do. And introduce them to one really cool little brother.

Biddle Family Motto for 2009

2009-01-03T18:12:00.000-08:00

1st Timothy 4:12

(edit!) you'd think I knew this was the YW Scripture theme for the year since I'm in YW!

"...be thou an example of the believers, in word, in conversation, in charity, in spirit, in faith, in purity."

Happy 2009 to all!

Cabo and Me.

2008-12-28T19:17:00.000-08:00

She has a grey goatee. She barks when anyone comes near the house. She has been known to eat a diaper. She loves parmesan cheese on her dog food. She leaves doggie hair ALL over the place for me to clean up daily. She has saved my life.

Andy and I went and saw Marley and Me, and laughed so hard we were crying. Not only because the movie is funny, but because it was like watching Cabo in a movie.

I have blogged about Cabo before, but now I do it with the intent to express my feeling about how much I truly love this dog.

After she came into our lives (via the shelter)....I didn't like her at all. I DID NOT LIKE DOGS. But, we figured it was a pre-cursor to baby...so I gave it a try. I didn't like being near dogs, the smell of dogs or anything dog-like. But to make a long story short, I fell in love. She had pneumonia within the first week we had her, and to see her suffer in the vets office melted my "dog hating heart" into a pile of goo. I called the vets office every few hours during the middle of the night that first night to make sure she was still alive. After that, she slept next to me...and still does.

Here are a few little known facts about Cabo:

*She has eaten through drywall and wood. We were told by a trainer to put wasabi, yup folks, wasabi on the part she was eating to keep her from chewing it. She licked up the wasabi like it was a fresh bowl of water, and kept on chewing.

*She ate through a Costco size box of Ziploc sandwich baggies. I came home from work to see thousands of baggies not only gone and digested, but in shreds all over the bathroom floor. Along with about 10 rolls of toilet paper.

*She has eaten duct tape and money. I won't tell you how we found out how.

*She ate a whole chocolate cake while we were at church. She threw up for 2 days. Andy had to sleep on the deck with her. This was not her finest moment.

*She ate two cubes of butter...again, I'll spare you the details.

There are a lot more funny stories about her...but I'll just finish by explaining why she has saved me.

Andy and I had a rough go of it our first years of marriage. We didn't know what we were doing, we were both selfish and needed to grow up. We were learning how to communicate with each other but it was coming together slower than we thought. When Cabo came into our home she became my buddy that loved me unconditionally. She was happy to see me and we understood each other in our own secret way. She has to be within 3 feet of me at all times, and she made me feel secure. Who knew we could save that $300 an hour on marriage therapy and just get a dog with a few "issues?"

But from her unconditional animal love...she taught Andy and I to be kinder to each other. She taught us to keep our voices lower because it bothered her. She is our great defender and sweet puppy. She is crazy and unruly and we love her. Marley's got nothing on her.

You're a wise one...Mr. Grinch

2008-12-26T08:31:00.000-08:00

So this Christmas could be looked upon as a bust for the following reasons:

*bought cards, cancelled order, bought cards, cancelled order...finally picked a card I liked. Got snowed in and could not buy the right size envelopes/flocked stickers for cards.

*haven't seen the mailman in over a week...snowed in.

*slid beautifully backward down our hill in our Jeep (its fun seeing your neighbors houses from the other direction)

*snowed in...I mean seriously snowed in.

*finally made it to Target during a rainy break in the snow, and grabbed anything we could for Noah, whilst fighting with other parents doing the same thing.

*our hill is the official hill for snowboarders, skiers, sledders. Kids and adults come from miles around. This makes it the party hill...but see the comment about sliding backwards in the car. It also makes it a hill of ice.

*church has been cancelled for two weeks.

So in summary, no cards got sent this year. The cookies didn't get made because we ran out of flour and couldn't get out of the driveway. Andy was without gifts because we kept worrying about Noah. No primary program hearing Silent Night and Away in a Manger. Blah, feeling bad and guilty, blah. THEN my epiphany...

It was ok. My friends know I wish them a very Happy Holiday season. My friends also know I LOVE to bake and would have delivered them delicious treats in cute, funky boxes.

But being snowed in with my family was the greatest gift I got this Christmas. I got to play with Noah in the snow, sled down our hill...and enjoy cocoa and laughter with my husband. I got to sing (and be told to "SHHH" by our son) carols in our home and to each other. We did a finger puppet play of the nativity to Noah while he was nodding off Christmas Eve.

It came without ribbons, and came without tags...it came without packages, boxes or bags!

Our hearts have all grown three sizes this week.

Flocked

2008-12-15T15:25:00.001-08:00

I have posted about this before, but I was blessed to grow up in an old Craftsman Style home. It was beautiful. It had a front entryway...and small library foyer...a dining room with a chandelier and a big wooden staircase. My Mom said when she looked at houses she always kept in the back of her mind that the house must have details that would give a child memories. That house is still engrained in my mind. They paid $13K for the house...

One of the unforgettable details was the flocked wallpaper. It started at the bottom of the staircase and ended at the top. It was fun to touch, since it felt like velvet. It provided a guide for my sister and I as we would sneak down the stairs to peek at the Christmas tree on Christmas morning. It was a reminder that we were home as we would slowly walk up the stairs touching the wallpaper with our little fingers all the way up.

I love the look of flocked paper. Its old fashioned and unique. I hope I can show Noah some flocked paper someday, and explain its happy memory to him. I hope I can provide him a home full of great memories.

Now while the reality of that home not having any siblings for him is very real I hope that memories and love will always abound.

We are finished with our fertility treatments and now we just wait and hope it works. Its funny how somedays I am at peace with the reality of just having one child and then there are days when the peace is gone and the aching just feels like too much.

But like that flocked wallpaper that was always there to guide me, so is my Father in Heaven. He is there for me as my steady guide to hang onto both up the stairs and down. Just as the wallpaper was never changing, so is he. Just like the wallpaper was a reminder I was safe, he provides the same comfort . And I am ok.

Commit Me

2008-12-07T15:10:00.000-08:00

So I have decided I need to be committed. Put me in the funny farm, throw away the key and leave me there with some good meds. And the reason for said committal will be that I am...wait for it....picky. Picky beyond belief.

A. I am picky about my house. And while I don't love every piece of furniture and there are still some major upgrades that need to take place...I like it to smell a certain way, be arranged a certain way, etc. etc. You get the picture.

B. I am picky about our Christmas tree. No one can touch it, use the ornaments as toys, objects to throw, and the tree is not a fun place to hide under. This is NOT a kids tree. Andy calls it the "Martha Tree." I like the perfect ratio of ornament to branch.

I am getting a second small tree to put downstairs so kids can put up crazy lights, fun ornaments and enjoy their tree. But leave my tree alone.

C. I am picky about my Diet Cokes. And while desperation will allow me to drink it out of a can or bottle. It is preferably from a fountain with half of the cup full of ice. And only from McDonalds.

D. I am picky about what Noah does. He doesn't jump on the furniture or least certain pieces of furniture. He can go to town on the red couch...but anything else is pretty off limits. He's gonna grow up crazy, right?

E. I am crazy picky about sheets. Now while you are laughing knowing that I sleep with a 70 lb black lab...I de-hairify it everyday. And I will probably die with Cabo hair in my casket, that's not my point. I have to have sheets on my bed. Always....no exceptions.

F. I am picky about vacuuming. I vaccum everyday, except Sundays. I might be picky...but I obey the commandments despite the dog hair.

G. I am picky about my hair. You must submit a resume, interview and I will check references before I let you touch my locks.

H. I am picky about my clothes. A lot of my wardrobe comes from Target, not Nordstrom (I know that's what you are thinking)...but I am picky about what I put on. I think about every outfit before I wear it. Exception with today and showing up in my PJ's at the Devericks, begging for a DC.

I. I am picky about projects. I have about 4 projects going in the garage. None of them finished because they are not quite perfect yet.

J. I had to add one more. Sports. Football, I'm there with a bowl of chips in front of the flatscreen. Baseball, I want prestine seats at the game. None of this nosebleed section baloney...I want to see the sweat on the players faces. (No this is not a throwback to my obsession with Freddy Garcia). Basketball, I want to sit next to the coach with my hot dog. Anything else is...golf.

The list could go on and on. And while there are certain areas of my life that I am not picky (i.e., my car, Noah's room, the laundry room). I think its safe to say that there is a room for me somewhere with no windows and a nurse that checks on me every now and then to wipe the DC off my lips. Or at least some kind of support group. In the meantime, feel free to check me in anytime.

The Prize

2008-11-23T22:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Freets,

I thought about you all weekend. I missed you. I hate that we had to be apart for a few days....but I know you were in good hands. Your Grandparents love you more than can be expressed in words. They love spending time with you, so when it came to leaving you for a couple of days I didn't worry.

We went to Arizona, down to Nogales, Mexico to have a treatment done so we could try and have another baby. A sibling for you. They inject Daddy's white blood cells into me, so that my body can make a nice home for the baby. I would do it a hundred times over for another little you.

I hope you know how much I want a sibling for you. Another little person for you to play with, sit on the dog with and someone for you to give your great hugs to. I want someone for you to teach, and for you to learn from.

If we are not able to have another baby, I hope you will always know how much I wanted to. We went to the ends of the earth once for you, and we are trying to again. You may not understand if you don't get a sibling but I hope someday you do. We hired the best doctors available to help us...and Mama is doing exactly what they told her.

I love you Freeto. Daddy loves you. And like our blog title says...we are two ordinary people, who became parents. You made us parents, and we are not ordinary anymore. We are two people who were given the greatest prize in the world, YOU.

Love,

I wish

2008-11-16T19:48:00.000-08:00

I am on vacation for a couple of weeks to prep for my trip to Mexico. I know we will only be gone 24 hours for the first visit...but as nervous as I am...I can't do anything else (but check Facebook of course). Be back soon!

p.s. doesn't this just look lovely?

Humanity

2008-11-11T16:22:00.000-08:00

This seems to be the theme of today...humanity.

I woke up and read my usual webpages, which include CJane. She had an update about her sister Stephanie that has been on my mind all day. The humanity that has been shown to Stephanie and her husband Christian has been truly remarkable...to say the least. I don't know Courtney (CJane), nor does she know me. I have read her blog before Stephanie's accident, and I know we have infertility issues in common, but we are strangers. Her sister Stephanie (Nie Nie) is an amazing woman who's blog I read for daily mothering tips to recipes, a stranger as well. And her story continues through her sister, as she fights for her body to heal and for her soul to find a new path. The outpouring of love that has been shown her and her family is nothing short of humanity in its purest form.

I took a woman in our ward today to her doctors appointment and saw another side of humanity. Janine has lung disease, and other medical issues. We have been in the same ward twice now and I am connected to her in an unexplicable way. Her children are all grown, and I am dealing with a toddler, but we are connected...age is not a boundary. As Noah ran ahead and I walked a few feet at a time holding her oxygen tank I noticed that some people would not even look her in the eye. She has looked better in her life. She hopefully will again. Only one person stopped, looked her in the eye, smiled and asked if we needed a wheel chair. Being the ever so strong woman she is...she refused. I thought after I took her back home and cuddle her in how many times I don't look someone in the eye. How many times I don't smile at someone because I just don't want to make eye contact, I'm feeling insecure or just plain in a hurry. Don't we all deserve to be looked at and acknowledged?

So I think about humanity tonight. I hope I'm better tomorrow than I was today. I might change our family motto of the year from "2008 is our year" to "2008 is our year to be better humanitarians."

And being better to humanity starts in my home. A kinder Mom when Noah sticks the shower head in the toilet. A kinder wife when I want attention or to say "take care of your son" and bolt out the door for a moments peace. Because if they feel that I love them and care who they are, they will hopefully do the same to others. Strangers or friends.

Tonight I will put on my red lipstick as I go out and think of Stephanie. I will think of the goodness shown her from hundreds of strangers. I will try to be better to strangers, acknowledge them for their soul. I will close my eyes tonight and be forever grateful that two strangers and my friend have taught me today.

Tagged by RN Jen...my twin.

2008-11-01T20:41:00.000-07:00

8 Favorite TV Shows (I can only pick 8?):
1. Heroes
2. The Office
3. ER
4. What Not to Wear
5. Old Friends episodes
6. The Hills
7. Cooking Shows
8. A Baby Story on TLC

8 Favorite Restaraunts:
1. Daniel's
2. Coastal Kitchen
3. Cafe Rio
4. Icon Grille
5. The Ranch
6. Any place that serves mashed potatoes
7. Any place that serves fry sauce
8. Burger Supreme

8 Things That Happened Yesterday:
1. Figured out the weekly family calendar
2. Slept
3. Got a diet coke at McDs
4. Went out to dinner with the Devericks for Pizza
5. Had pie with Devericks
6. Analyzed a few things WAY too much
7. Read several Ensign articles from conference
8. Went to the dentist

8 Things To Look Forward To:
1. Getting my hair done
2. Hanging out with Heather Thursday night
3. Exercising tonight
4. Going to Mexico for another fertility treatment...ouchie
5. Maybe another trip to Utah in the new year
6. Noah talking more
7. Maybe going to Whistler for the holidays
8. Listening to Christmas music

8 Things I Love About Fall:
1. The smell in the air
2. Football games
3. Sweaters
4. Fall Leaves
5. Long-sleeved t-shirts
6. Halloween candy
7. Soup
8. Halloween candy (I had to put it twice...I love candy corn!)

8 Things On My Wishlist:
1. NYC
2. Utah
3. More energy
4. Get some closure on something that's been bugging me for over 10 years.
5. Decorate and organize my house
6. Better mothering/less t.v.
7. Figure out how to earn some money while at home.
8. Look HOT in a bathing suit.

Happy Halloween

2008-10-31T07:16:00.001-07:00

How about some Freeto-fries to go with your Diet Coke!? (this cup was quickly taken out of his hands!)

3 a.m.

2008-10-27T03:27:00.000-07:00

There is absolutely no reason why I am awake right now. I woke up about 2:30 and realized I hadn't read the visiting teaching message this month. And you know what that means, I've got a few days left to get said visiting teaching done.

The past few weeks I've become a bundle of worries. Worried about Noah, worried about Andy, worried about my nephew Ben, worried about the YW in our ward, worried about the economy, worried about the people I visit teach, worried that I really did make WAY too many trips to Target this past week, worried about my friends that are struggling with some HUGE issues right now. (This is when I refer back to conference talks). And so I get on my knees again....

We are going to Tucson in a few weeks for a fertility treatment (when I say Tucson...ya know I mean Mexico. Ole!). I am nervous since this is it. If it works, baby. If it doesn't, no baby. I leave this one in someone else's hands....and get on my knees again that I will remember His plan for my life isn't mine. His timetable is not mine. His will, not mine. I still worry a little.

My quandry....

2008-10-24T09:24:00.000-07:00

How am I gonna get him in this again for Halloween?

Club Biddle Grand Opening!!!

2008-10-20T08:07:00.000-07:00

*No Cover Charge

*Children 2 and under ONLY (with parent supervision

*Club Hours 12-4 a.m. (partay!)

*Milk and snacks are on the house

*NO SLEEPING

*Movies, jumping on the bed, dancing (DJ Noah will be at the turntable)

*AGAIN, NO SLEEPING (house rules)

*If you sleep...the bouncer will escort you to your crib

Managers Note: This club is not for wussies. Serious club go-ers ONLY. And...the manager really needs a raise. And a nap.

The Box

2008-10-16T15:55:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like the Lost and Found box. I feel like I knew more who I was when I was in my 20's then I do now. Very strange considering wisdom should come with age, yes? Isn't that written on half of the Hallmark cards out there? "Wisdom comes with age?" Apparently not in my case.

I have days where the words that come out of my mouth aren't appropriate, or kind (or Christlike)...or for that matter, mature. What the heck? (to quote popular Utah lingo) I thought Motherhood and marriage for that matter, would unlock the amazing side of my personality where I don't take guilty pleasure in "The Hills" or t.v. shows that have no eternal merit whatsover. Or that my creative side would bloom forth...instead of my vain side that is still looking for the best eye cream. I should enjoy cooking and creating things, righto? And that I wouldn't have days where Noah is glued in front of a t.v. set....and I am secretly breathing a sigh of relief that I can get a break. He should be drawing masterpieces with his crayons or speaking Spanish, si?!

So I find myself still sitting inside the "LOST and FOUND" box...waiting to be FOUND. Cause I feel LOST a lot of the time. LOST in Motherhood and wifehood. LOST that I haven't "arrived" at the person I thought I'd be by this time in my life. Or does that ever happen?

Cause if you know the answer, let me know. I'd like out of the box.

Waters of Mormon

2008-10-13T13:17:00.000-07:00

Our nephew Ben just sent us this picture. It brought tears to my eyes because of the great soul Ben (Elder Tidwell) is. You can see it in his eyes if you enlarge the photo.

I have loved the pictures he has sent about this investigator and telling us a little about this sweet man you see in white with Ben. How lucky to be baptized.

He is in Ecuador, serving in the Amazon rainforest currently. He said they call this place in the river the Waters of Mormon. Its so beautiful.

Man I love you Ben, we are so proud.

Love Letter

2008-10-12T18:33:00.000-07:00

Dear Schmoop,

Thank you for being so good to me this past week. I appreciate you watching Noah when I haven't felt well, and being such a good nurse. Thank you for letting me go to Hawaii with the girls a couple of weeks ago. I know I have thanked you for the trip previously, but it meant a lot that you would let me leave our family to re-charge my spirits.

I know our marriage has not been a day at the beach, but we both like the beach...so we keep on trying to make the beach more beautiful. Thank you for putting up with my faults (new shoes, stubborness, many weekly trips to Target...to name a few). But also for encouraging my strengths.

Thanks for being my friend and for your laughter. Thanks for being in my life.
Love,
LOML

Gifts Large and Small

2008-10-05T22:52:00.000-07:00

I feel like the pictures I took from my trip to Hawaii pale in comparison to the one's my friends took. However, I will try to put together a collage (by stealing some of theirs) this week, so I can share.

In summary, the trip was great. Last night as Paige and Kelly and I got together with our kiddos while the men watched priesthood session. It seemed surreal that we had ever been to the beautiful island of Aloha. It felt long ago as the demands of daily life crept their way back in. It felt surreal to say that "a week ago we were on the beach." But we were and I am so grateful that my husband gave me the gift of getting away, re-charging my spirits and that I could have some coconut ice cream on the beach with my $6 diet coke.

I have had a lot on my mind since we returned. Decisions about fertility that have to be made. And sadly decisions HAVE to be made in the next month. Either we go forward or we don't. Temple trips and lots of prayers are in our future. But I am grateful for this unique trial. (More on that some other time)

Noah has been muy difficult since I came home. Today was especially hard as he was in timeout after timeout for hitting...to the point of hysterics, sobbing and more hitting. Don't judge me for downing 5 oreos just to keep my head above water. His small gift to me after a long shower was holding my hand to let me know we were once again buddies. All was forgiven, and tomorrow a new day.

I feel like I was given the gift of "connection" with the girls from my trip. I was so excited to see them last night as we had had the same experience in Hawaii, shared funny stories and supported each other when we talked about some of the real trials each of us is going through. What a delightful gift.

I also felt a gift as my husband and I listened to all the sessions of conference. That was Andy's gift to me. He listens with real intent to the conference talks. I know he takes them seriously and tries to implement them into our home when appropriate. He was the first on the scene yesterday morning...comforter and pillows for family (check), Starbucks hot chocolate, donuts and oatmeal (check), Noah folding arms (check). Happy family....check.

And the Conference talks. They were amazing....I learned and was uplifted. I felt renewed "umph" to do better and be a better woman, wife, mother, friend, visiting teacher, missionary, etc. I felt a lot of hope inspite of worldly circumstances going on around us right now. I felt a lot of gratitude for a living prophet, and for my testimony of Christ. And that's the best gift of all.

My Ohana of girls and a guy named Floyd

2008-09-30T22:30:00.000-07:00

More to come about my Hawaii trip...it was a blast.

Have I mentioned?

2008-09-18T14:58:00.000-07:00

I will be here next Wednesday?

Wink Wink...Nudge Nudge

2008-09-12T19:51:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think the nurses were laughing as we pulled away from the hospital "silly fools...they have no idea what they are in for!" Or that they put the "new parents manual" behind their backs just to tease us.

As I sit here tonight (a Friday night...didn't they used to be a night for partying?) I am taking a deep breath and putting my feet up. I'm tired. The lad wears me out some days. He's a ball of energy, tantrums and chatting.

I'm sad my breasts are dropping because I had him, but I wouldn't change it. I'll just buy a better bra. I miss sleeping in...but I love the sound of his voice yelling "Mom!" every morning. I can sleep when I'm dead. I wish my back didn't hurt so bad from picking Noah up...but I'd rather have my arms filled with him, than empty. My arms were empty for too many years. I wish I didn't have to start taking shots next week to try and get him a sibling, but what's a few bruises for a possible playmate? Nothing.

I hope I am being a being a good steward over this little spirit that has been entrusted to us. And even though I don't know what I'm doing (I'd say "WE" but Andy is a GREAT father) I love the highs and lows. And I don't think the "manual" would have outlined the amazing feeling it is to tuck your child in at night, and put your feet up. Another day done.

Our baby is 2!

2008-09-05T09:09:00.001-07:00

This is my favorite picture of him as an infant (thanks Kelly!). As you can see by his wading pool shots in the previous post...he doesn't look like this now. But I like to look back through his pictures and hold on to him being "little" just a bit longer. We sure love our Freeto. Happy Birthday to our redheaded miracle!

The Water Boy

2008-09-02T20:08:00.000-07:00

Prayer is for SUCKERS...

2008-08-29T08:28:00.001-07:00

Literally. Noah would not eat the sucker I gave him yesterday until we said a little prayer over it. He also would not play with his Grandma's plastic horses until the tiny, plastic hay bales were prayed over.

Could this be any cuter? Melts my heart....to the core.

Nie Nie Day!

2008-08-28T07:31:00.001-07:00

Today is Nie Nie Day! There are 165 auctions going on over at Design Mom all day! All the proceeds go to helping Stephanie and Christian Nielson and their family. For more details on Nie Nie day (click here). Its so impressive (Maroon 5 tickets and signed guitar to necklaces and chocolates!)...check it out!!!

Freeto

2008-08-26T10:02:00.000-07:00

I can't believe he turns 2 next week...

Nie Nie

2008-08-23T11:23:00.001-07:00

Many of you may have wondered about the "donations to Nie Nie" on the side of the blog.

I have looked at a girls blog for a few months now, she is a friend of a friend. She is amazing, creative and inspiring in dress, recipes and mothering. This is HER blog.

She and her husband were in a horrible plane crash last week. Stephanie has 80% 3rd degree burns over her body and her husband has 30% burns and broke his back. The pilot was killed. They are in for a lot of therapy, surgeries, skin grafts, etc. They have 4 small children.

Her sister has been updating her condition on HER blog. Although she and I are strangers, her story has touched me, brought me to prayer and made me once again realize how close the gospel brings people together.

The Countdown to Hawaii has begun!

2008-08-19T09:52:00.000-07:00

40 its the new 20

2008-08-14T16:31:00.000-07:00

I love this girl in the doo-rag, I'm thankful she is who she is. She is not perfect but she's all mine. She tries to love others, be a good wife and Mom, perform service and love her Heavenly Father. I'm thankful she forgives herself when she needs to and feels horrible when she hurts anyone. I'm also thankful that she tries to "figure herself out" all the time...and tries to laugh along the way. I'm thankful I'm her.

Oh dear...Birthday Eve...

2008-08-13T11:20:00.000-07:00

I am thankful my friend Sundie is here to cushion the fall of turning 40.

I am thankful that I am still in my pj's and its 11:30, and the sun is shining.

I am thankful for the big cake I will be eating tomorrow.

I am thankful for everything that I have learned good and bad the past 40 years (tomorrows post!)

Just plain thankful!

2008-08-11T11:06:00.001-07:00

So we just got back from Utah and I have to say that I had a great trip! No major calamities, no fevers, throwing up, chicken pox....nothing! Just plain fun!

*thankful for a fun family reunion at Bear Lake...we are going again!
*thankful for my little water boy!
*thankful for my very organized husband...we missed you all week!
*thankful for Kristin and the Jones' for partying with Noah and I!
*thankful for Noah sleeping thru the night every night!
*thankful I could see Mindy, Ayva, Bella, April, Kelly and Sundie! And I got to meet Mandee!
*thankful for the handbag/shoe party Kristin and I went to!
*thankful for the daily "treat" runs!
*thankful for Cafe Rio and those yummy salads!

So now I have 3 days till the big 40. Crap. I'm gonna have to dig deep on the thankfulness posts...since today I'm feeling very unpregnant (our test results stunk from the doctor), very bloated and my house is a pit of laundry that needs to be done. I'm thankful I have a washer? (that's a stretch...)

Nine to go...

2008-08-05T19:36:00.000-07:00

So I have a few minutes while in Utah to post...and thought I would do a post about what I am very thankful for today.

Noah has been having so much fun with Kristin's children and in their pool, that he's in heaven. And he is getting so tired during the day its making it a piece of cake to put him to bed at night. A mother's dream. My thankfulness post is a quality that I saw in Noah today. Fearlessness. Boy this kiddo has spirit of fearlessness in him. He's not even 2 yet and he got on his little water-wings and doesn't like the shallow end of the pool...no, he heads straight for the diving board. And he went on it, over and over again. I wondered who's kid he was to be so gutsy and fun even if it was a little scary. And even though it scared me a little and I stayed within inches of him the whole time I loved the happy look of accomplishment he had in his eyes...and the pure trust he had in me to make sure he was safe once he landed in the water. So thankful for my little fearless man.

On Vacation

2008-07-30T13:59:00.000-07:00

My thankfulness countdown will resume on August 11...as we are heading out to our Family Reunion.

I'll be writing down my daily thankfuls though!

Whoo hoo!!!

17, 16

2008-07-29T23:08:00.000-07:00

17
Day 17 to 40's thankfulness post will be about something simple. Hand holding. Right now Noah will hold my hand when I tell him to and it melts my heart everytime. Today when we were standing at McD's getting a drink, for a brief moment he held my hand before running off to play with his friends. There is nothing better in the world. I love my Freeto and his sweet little hands. I know someday he won't want to hold my hand, so I am thankful for today when he still wants to.
16
I am thankful on day 16 for a sense of humor. A few people have asked me why I did a "thankfulness countdown" to 40. I've said "it was either that or a...why I'm bitter and freaked out I'm turning 40 countdown!" So I'm glad I decided to look at it from a more mature perspective...which is funny in and of itself, because I'm not in the least bit mature. I love a good sense of humor. I love to laugh and I'm so thankful for those roll on the floor, tears in your eyes moments in life. They are so good for the soul. Here's to lots of happy, funny moments when I'm 40! (ARGH!)

21-18

2008-07-27T19:15:00.000-07:00

I love a good high. Now while the word "high" makes the mind wander to illegal substances, I'm talking about the kind of highs you get from day to day life...small moments, good friends and happy laughter.

The past few days, I am thankful for some good highs. I've had some fabulous ones...and here they are:

*playing a wild game of Uno with the Young Women (seriously, they are sneaky card players!)
*found a cute t-shirt at Costco (come on its me, I like clothes...its a good high!)
*hearing say a very distinct "NO" when we asked Noah to get out of the tub (usually its unclear!)
*running the Torchlight Race (best high of all!)
*being surrounded by good friends at the Race
*Donna being a fabulous running mentor and trainer! She's the best!
*having a really amazing lesson in YW that was meant for them, but something I needed to hear
*Andy sending me a text during the race saying he and Noah were so proud of me!
*passing the sweet Grandpa during the Race with the limp (laugh, but I had have someone I could beat!)
*friends at Cheesecake Factory (haven't laughed that much in a long time...love you guys!)

So I am thankful for highs. I've had some good ones the past few days. Makes the lows not feel so low.

22

2008-07-23T22:03:00.000-07:00

I'd love to have my whole post be about the Peanut Buster Parfait I just downed after Young Womens (don't judge, I've got 2 months till Hawaii), but that would only be a sentence long...and not that exciting.

My thankfulness post #22 to 40 comes from an article I was reading today. After Noah went down for his first nap today I decided instead of napping myself, I would read out of the Ensign. Do you ever just open the Ensign or your scriptures and hope it lands on a scripture or article that was meant just for you? Well, I did that today...and although I don't know if it was meant for me or not...it got me to thinking.

It was a talk given to the Young Women at General Conference about "Anchors" How our testimony of Christ is an anchor that needs to remain strong and solid through anything.

I thought about my life, choices I have made and how no matter what the choice has been...I've still had my anchor. It might not have seemed like my anchor was fastened securely, but I have always known it was. Sometimes in life, we make hard decisions. My Mom used to say "We are Ellis's...we do hard things if we have to." Now I say that in our family "We are Biddles, we do hard things if we have to." You get through it, and you can either keep your anchor in place, or it can slowly get weakened and the stakes that have put the anchor in place can give way.

When all is said and done, my testimony really is my anchor and provides me with stability in uncertain situations.

When we couldn't have children for all those years, it was my anchor in Christ that kept me going. It kept me from becoming bitter, jealous and angry. My anchor in Christ has lifted me up when Motherhood has had moments of loneliness and monotony...instead of the endless joy and a perfect, obedient child I thought would fill my days. Etc.

So today I am thankful for my anchor. May it keep me going forward and give me the ability to maintain my position as best as I can in all that I do.

23

2008-07-22T14:25:00.000-07:00

OK, so 23 days until I turn 40...good heavens, its freaking me out a little. My visiting teacher sang "When You're Young At Heart" to me this morning, so it made me feel a little better about the whole thing. Now if I can just remember that when the wrinkles get deeper.

So my 23rd post to 40...will be completely selfish and totally worldly.

I am thankful to Andy for buying me my Land Rover for my 40th, and for my upcoming trip to Hawaii with friends. I will be thanking him till the end of time because not only did he buy me my dream car, but he knows how much I love Hawaii. So he has cushioned the fall to 40 with some leather seats and a soft, sandy beach and some sun. Life's good to me.

24

2008-07-21T19:58:00.000-07:00

Today I am thankful for this little boy. Even though we had a bit of a rough day together...he wouldn't let me pull out of the driveway without reminding me that we needed to say our prayers. I couldn't understand what he was getting so upset about so I said "ok, show me what you are trying to say." He gently folded his arms and closed his eyes tight...reminding me that we should not embark on our days journey without praying for a good and safe day. So I am overflowing with thanks for a toddler size soul that knew better than his Mom did about what was and is most important.

26, 25

2008-07-20T17:33:00.000-07:00

Today I am thankful for HOPE.

Since HOPE is kind of a big one, I figured I could use two days worth of thankfulness posts.

*I am hopeful that the economy gets better. And that gas prices go down.
*I am hopeful that Noah will stop throwing tantrums and hitting.
*I am hopeful that Andy will get baptized someday (sorry honey...but its true)
*I am hopeful I can get pregnant again.
*I am hopeful that I will become a better cook in the coming years.
*I am hopeful that Cabo will be our doggie forever.
*I am hopeful that someone will come out with an anti-wrinkle cream that will make me look 20. I know my Dad hopes for this too.
*I am hopeful that I will read the Book of Mormon again this year.
*I am hopeful that the SIBS will have a reunion together soon.
*I am hopeful that anyones feelings I've hurt will forgive me.
*I am hopeful that they will cure cancer.
*I am hopeful that my friends will know how much they mean to me.
*I am hopeful that my insecurities will become strengths.
*I am hopeful that I will be a better mother everyday.
*I am hopeful!

27

2008-07-18T08:22:00.000-07:00

Today's thankfulness countdown to 40 will be about music. Now while I am not very musical, I am so thankful for the people that taught me along the way to appreciate music...all kinds.

My Mom had us attend Musical Kindergarten and while my sister and I were pretty little, we developed our beginning apprecation for music. We got to play instruments, listen to different composers, sing and put on a show for our parents.

Then my Mom (brilliant as she is) put us in classes at the Corbin Center for Arts in Spokane. It was here I took my first dance class. It was also here that I had a huge amount of separation anxiety...but that's a funny story for another post.

We were always in piano lessons somewhere until we were in our teens. And my Mom was always playing the piano at home. I distinctly remember her playing Simon and Garfunkel's "Bridge Over Troubled Water"...maybe this was a reflection of how we were acting that day? Either way, she loved playing the piano and organ and we loved listening to her.

We had a player piano growing up and the neighborhood kids loved coming over as we put in the old, antique rolls and pumped our feet up and down. It was always fun and my parents still have that beautiful old piano.

Without music I wouldn't have memories of certain friends and experiences in my life. Without a good AC/DC song I wouldn't have the drive to exercise. Without the theme to "Bunnytown" running through my head all day long...it means I didn't spend time watching morning cartoons with Noah.

So here's to music...and to a Happy Friday!

29,28

2008-07-17T17:07:00.000-07:00

I am very thankful for friends.

I am very grateful for good friends.

30

2008-07-15T21:16:00.001-07:00

Today's thankfulness comes after a day of "not so thankful activities." I am having a hard time thinking of something I'm thankful for since I'm kind of in a foul mood. But here goes.

I am actually very thankful for my body. And while I know its not the hottest thing out there I'm glad it works.

It hasn't always worked the way it should. I got Crohn's Disease when I was 25...but have been lucky enough to have it be in remission for some time now. My liver went caput when I was pregnant with Noah...but I was able to have my gallbladder out in the hopes that one more pregnancy would be safe. My health could be a lot worse.

I've been sad and overjoyed to have friends....dear, dear friends battle cancer, infections and horrible health trials and see all of them become stronger and appreciative of everything they have. I know they had days of tears and anger and questioning why all of these horrible things were happening to them. But, they have been shining examples to me of overcoming the sometimes horrific things that are placed upon our physical bodies.

So I am thankful again for my body. The "girls" have gone south since I had Noah, and the wrinkles are getting deeper by the minute...but I grateful I have a body that is still able to move and run and bust a move if necessary!

33, 32, 31

2008-07-14T21:50:00.000-07:00

I am going to take 3 of my countdown to 40 days to be thankful for MEMORIES.

I am thankful for memories because without them all the years of my life would really not amount to much. Would yours? Although some of my teenage memories could be wiped clean and I wouldn't care...for the most part I wouldn't change most of the amazing memories I have.

I loved that I could serve a mission. I love the friends I made, the crazy things my companions and I did (trust me, there are some doozeys)...and the hilarious things I can look back on and laugh about. I went thru some boxes my parents brought over last night and its full of pictures of my mission. And with every picture a memory.

I loved that I fell in love (more than once), got dumped, cried a lot and then met Andy who picked me up and became my friend and now husband. And although some memories are still bittersweet and will always be, I'm thankful for them. They made me the person I am today...crazy and all.

I am of course beyond thankful for my years as a wife and now a Mother. The memory of hours of tears from months without being pregnant are still very close to my heart and I will never forget the strength I gained from others, from moments on my knees and the sweet memory of seeing two lines on the pregnancy test. And then the memory of that sweet little redhead who has invaded my life and soul.

My memories I share yearly and hourly with Andy are sometimes hard but who better to share them with than your best friend. I am thankful for all the memories we have shared. And what a fun weekend we just had in Victoria...full of memories!

I think we are all made up of memories...and those memories shape us, mold us and refine us. I hope I can always remember because my life sure has been wonderful.

34

2008-07-11T20:41:00.000-07:00

Today I am thankful for good Grandparents. Not just because Andy's parents have Noah for the weekend...but because I am so thankful that he HAS Grandparents who love him. I love the look on Andy's Dad's face when he sees Noah. He sure loves his little Grandson. And my parents talk about him non-stop when they have watched him for a few minutes or an hour.

My Grandparents on my Dad's side had passed away before I was born and my Mom's parents died when I was 8. So I didn't get to have a lot of time with them. But, I have very distinct memories of them. I remember driving the 13 hour drive from Spokane with our family and arriving in Utah to open arms, Grandmas stew and homemade rolls and of course slush. Grandma was feisty but funny. Loved to gossip and yet served others to the end. My Grandpa was quiet and pensive. He worked either at the temple or out in the garden. He would get up about 4 to go to the temple, and I always thought he was going to meet with the prophet and that they were friends. I think I'll just keep thinking they were friends that met on a daily basis in the Salt Lake Temple. Some childhood thoughts should just be kept in childhood.

And while Noah is still in his childhood I hope he remembers the peanut butter sandwiches from my Mom, sitting on Grandpa's lap to watch the Mariners play...and also trips to Grandma and Grandpa Biddles house. At their house he gets to play with the kitty and they have bought him every possible toy to have at his disposal.

Ah Grandparents, how special they are!!!!

35

2008-07-10T20:18:00.000-07:00

There will be a few "thankful" posts about Andy, but as I can hear him through the baby monitor right now...reading to Noah, I am thankful for him being Noah's father. He loves his son. It hurts him when Noah wants me more than him, which has been a lot lately. So I love it when I can see and hear Noah let him into his little world for a few minutes...and enjoy a good read or a good cuddle. I am thankful that Andy has taken his role as father seriously and also with a drive to try and do what's best for Noah. He gets a happy grin on his face everytime he sees his son. I am thankful for all good fathers, but today I am for Noah's.

36

2008-07-09T15:46:00.000-07:00

I would like to thank the magical island of Hawaii. I wouldn't have ever dreamed I would fall in love with an island. It is here that as a 17 year old that I gained my own testimony of the Book of Mormon, found out who I was and fell in love with the ocean. That small beach down from school knows my soul and the "me" that sometimes feels lost in responsibility and years. I thank Hawaii for giving me place that I can remember that life is simple and that simple things bring the most joy. The simple things like a pair of flip flops, a t-shirt/shorts and some good friends are all you really need in life. I thank Hawaii for being such a strong memory that when I am stressed or nervous about something...I can mentally take myself to that palm tree lined street in front of the Hawaii Temple and remember to just breathe. Thank you for being one of the most beautiful places on earth and for sharing your tremendous beauty with me.

40 till 40

2008-07-08T19:35:00.000-07:00

I was going to start this post on Saturday...40 days till 40...but I'm a little late. So I'll try and catch up today.

I decided I would do 40 days of 40 thankful things from the past 40 years. I have a lot more than 40 things to be thankful about, but it has gotten me to thinking about my childhood, teens, college, etc. So here you go, for your reading enjoyment!

40
*Thank you Mom and Dad for buying my childhood home in Spokane. Thank you for wanting a home that a child would be able to create memories in. The chandelier in the dining room, the staircase, the yard full of lilacs and each and every part of that home will live with me forever. I think that's why I am always looking to see if its still for sale....I want to live there again. I hope I can create memories like you created for us for my children.

39
*I am thankful for a new day, everyday. I like that I can start fresh, try to have a new attitude and pray that things go better than they might have the day before.

38
*I am thankful for cake. I love it, it tastes good and I truly could live in a vat of frosting if I had to.

37
*I am thankfu that I have a love of dogs. I was horrified of them when I was little and all growing up. Until sweet Cabolulu came into my life. She is getting older and although she doesn't get as much attention as she used to...she is still my buddy. She snuggles my leg when she can tell I'm tired and frustrated. She puts her head on my lap when she tired and she has changed my heart to love all dogs.

Stay tuned for more!!!

The Right To A Bad Day...

2008-07-01T17:43:00.001-07:00

So this topic has been on my mind lately, and after having discussed it with another friend of mine today...I decided it would be my blog entry.

I have a pet peeve/issue/complaint/frustration with other people not allowing you to have a bad day. Or I should say, not allowing you to vent or just not letting you feel the way you feel about something.

I believe that no matter what your station or situation in life is, you can usually say that you would not want to have the problems that other people have. But, don't they have the right to feel sad about what is going on in their lives currently? To reach out and want some sympathy and not always be told that they need to look at the blessings in their life? I think deep down when each of us is frustrated with a trial or experience that we are having, we know we are blessed for what we have. We don't necessarily need to be reminded.

I know how lucky I am to have Noah. I know I am blessed beyond belief to have him. I know he is a complete miracle. But, that doesn't mean that the past 3 months when we have been trying to get pregnant I don't feel sad that I haven't been able to. Let me be sad. I will let you be upset when when a day or an experience is hard for you. Or at least I hope I do.

Heaven knows I'm not the perfect friend or a perfect person and have probably told someone to look at the bright side of things when they just needed me to let them "be." I'm sorry for that. I can always be better at friendship and at being empathetic. I'll try and let you have your bad day. Because your life is different than my life and my life is different than yours. And when we have a bad day or a hard trial I always think that Christ would probably put his arm around us before pointing out what you need to be thankful for. I think he'd just be thankful for us.

I Chose Him

2008-06-21T22:21:00.001-07:00

Lots of things have been on my mind this week. Nothing earth shattering or note -worthy...just lots of "to do's", worries and planning for the summer.

We've had a rough time with Noah on certain days...he's a big hitter. Especially me for some reason. I'm the one he wants when he's sad, and apparently the one to blame as well. We've tried time outs, restraining him with our our arms, etc. Nothing has worked so far. He calms down a little and then the minute you either let him go or let him out of his crib, he clocks you again. Again, mostly me. Sometimes the wall, or the dog will also get the brunt of his frustration. I know its a phase and that he is frustrated because we aren't understanding him and the communication just isn't happening between us.

We took him to eat today and it was all we could do to not pack him up and take off before our pizza arrived. He screamed, arched his back and reached across the table to hit me. Being unable to reach me just turned the volume up on the screaming. I felt bad for the women who were obviously there to enjoy a nice Saturday lunch together.

So as I was blog hopping tonight and researching some ways to help him communicate and/or work on the hitting...I came across a womans blog where she had heard a talk in church a few weeks ago regarding us "CHOOSING" our children. I have always believed this, but it has slipped my mind through the newness and day to day experiences of parenthood. I CHOSE this little (well, for those who know him...not so little) spirit. This gives me hope that he chose me and knew I could take good care of him. And that together we could learn and grow from each other.

These are my thoughts for today...

He thinks this is his bike...

2008-06-16T10:48:00.001-07:00

He takes after his Mom...

2008-06-01T19:08:00.000-07:00

He looks like a normal toddler, but check out these heels! He loves wearing my shoes lately...oh dear!

Sleepin' Freets

2008-05-27T20:48:00.001-07:00

Friends...ready for a good laugh?!

2008-05-20T09:43:00.001-07:00

*planned a trip on the Victoria Clipper for Saturday as a family

*Andy can't find birth certificate

*Andy starts throwing up

*Mean wife thinks its all in his head and is not a very good nurse (I have since repented and apologized profusely)

*Noah goes down to loving Grandparents house just in the nick of time for...

*Me to start vomiting, high fever, etc., etc.

*Yesterday was our anniversary. I threw up all day. Happy No. 7!

*Noah is coming back tomorrow since we are going to disinfect the whole house. I miss my Bubsie McFreets.

*I am now going back to bed since this is the most I've sat up in 2 days and I'm about to fall over.

*We are cursed.

One shoe and one sock

2008-05-15T21:57:00.000-07:00

Last night I was watching a report on MSNBC about the earthquake in China. It made my heart so sad and ache for the mothers, fathers, families and children that have been subject to this horrible tragedy.

As they showed videos from the areas that were affected I was taken back at the scenes from a small village that was now a ghost town. The rescue workers were attempting to climb through the broken homes, stores and schools and see if they could rescue anyone. However, it looked bleek as to any survivors.

The bodies that were being taken out were of every age and size. The picture that has stuck with me the past 24 hours is that of a childs body, with one shoe on and one sock on the other foot. A little white sock. This was someones child, now passed away. I thought about how this innocent child had just gotten up for school that morning, kissed his Mom and Dad and gone on his/her way. And I wondered where the other shoe had gone amidst the turmoil.

I have always loved Noah's little feet and his little socks. I hope that I can remember that one little white sock and one shoe...when his feet are underfoot and I can't get anything done. When his feet don't move as quickly as I want them to and he's lagging behind me. When his feet carry him up the ladder of the slide and happily down. And when they need to be covered with a blanket for warmth.

I pray for those people, and for us to remember them and the tragedy that has struck China...both small village and large city.

If anyone wants to make a donation ever for emergency funds to countries that have had tragediges like China, you can go to lds.org/ldsfoundation or just to see what relief efforts have been made through our fast offerings.

What makes a great Mother's Day? (EDITED!)

2008-05-11T17:42:00.001-07:00

Mothers Day Week!!!

2008-05-06T10:51:00.000-07:00

I was going to post about my fun trip to Utah to Women's Conference...but you know how most of my trips to Utah end. This one was the same. It started out great, ended with a bang...or I should say a barf. I was really sad I didn't get to see Mindy and new baby Lillian and hang out with Paige and Lauren. Oh well...

Anyway...onto Mother's Day Week! I'd love to hear what you love about Motherhood and/or thoughts on your own Mother. I'll have a little drawing at the end of the week!

(I figure I mother both Noah and Cabo!)